Re: Wit and Humor

[sands3]

Al, this one's for you.

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH ENOUGH TO TRY TO LEARN ENGLISH!
>
> This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the
brave.
>
>
> It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your
> leisure, English lovers.
>
> Some reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
> 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
> 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
> 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refu se.
> 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
> 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
> 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
> 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
> present the present.
> A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
> 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
> 10) I did not object to the object.
> 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
> 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
> 13) They were too close to the door to close it.
> 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
> 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
> 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
> 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
> 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
> 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
> 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
> 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it -
> English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in
> hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't
> invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies
while
> sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
>
> We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
> quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
> neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
> fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the
> plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose,
> 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem
crazy
> that you can make amends but not one amend.
>
> If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
> what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If
a
> vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
>
> Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum
> for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
> play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
> run and feet that smell How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same,
> while a wise man an a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the
> unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns
> down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm
> goes off by going on.
>
> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
> creativity of the human race, w hich, of course, is not a race at all.
> That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
> are out, they are invisible. PS. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with"quick"?

English qualifies as one of the "Germanic" based languages, because
there is so much German and Scandanavian roots in our language, but actually
there is quite a bit of spanish, and French, as well as Italian in our daily
speach.......all of it is based on Latin! The language of the ROMANS!

[Sah]

  Good Morning all you HCV'er's! I figured something out here! I think!


Lost with Translation  

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."

[Sah]

Two Day's In A Row!
 

Words From Women,   !  

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." -- Dolly Parton

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." -- Wendy Liebman

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to." -- Erma Bombeck

"If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." -- Sue Grafton

"I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." -- Sue Kolinsky

"I think -- therefore I'm single." -- Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug

"In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Gloria Steinem

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- Katharine Hepburn

[Sah]

In Canada this person could be anywhere from 4 to 104 year's of age. Punk has no age!

Hooligan Hijinx  

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."  

Sleep Well All!

Stephen

[Sah]

There is alot to amuse oneself, just in searching for the stuff. One way to keep LOL so others feel comfortable around ya!

Authentic Grafitti  

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

[Sah]

I did it, I searched out humour all weekend and posted a few pages! Soooo  ! I passed through some good time !
 

Intelligent Quotes! Yeah right.    

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

[Sah]

  

"Not a side, effect or shot!...but...IT"S TX.!  

The Rules  

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules can change without notice.

3. Males can't know the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules.

5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.

7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind.

9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.

14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.  

15. The End  

[harleylady]

OK sah, u are way up there on the humor cool................now i need to find some,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hope u r doing good  hugs holly

[Sah]

Eh! How would ya like some Canadian Humour?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that waas too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn't say a word. Just looked at him.

"Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor?

"C., eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.

"N., eh?" says the second guy.

"D., eh?" says a third one. Then silence.

"Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way."

So that's how Canada got its name.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"About Canada"
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of ?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

[Sah]

EH! From a   place that gets even  'er in the the 6 month's of Winter!   eh?

Here are reasons why it's so great to be Canadian!

Things Canadians are proud of...

Smarties.

Crispy Crunch.

Coffee Crisp.

The footballs and fields are bigger, and we have one less Down.

Lacrosse is Canadian.

Hockey is Canadian.

Basketball is Canadian.

The biggest flags ever seen/flown at any Olympics were
Canadian... The second time it was smuggled in because they made a rule against it cause of the first time.

Much Music Sucks.

Maple syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworths ass (...don't know about Aunt Jemima though).

Tim Horton's is here.

Waaaay better beer commercials/contests and beer company give a ways. Example: the Molson Canadian House Party...where you get to keep the house. Trashed or not.

The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.

We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.

We don't marry our kin-folk.

We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, zambonis, the long distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. Oh yeah...and the handles on beer cases big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

We can hum the tune to 'Definition'.

We all know that a scale that measures boiling water at 212 degrees and freezes at 32 is asinine.

We've ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

Our elections take only one day.

Life In Canada:

Pizza gets to your house faster than an ambulance

There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

People order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counter.

We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

We buy hot dogs in packages of 12 and buns in packages of 8.

We use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Sah]

Eh! How would ya like somemore Canadian Humour?  

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------

The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that waas too long, so they abbreviated it C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, and they didn't say a word. Just looked at him.

"Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor?

"C., eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor.

"N., eh?" says the second guy.

"D., eh?" says a third one. Then silence.

"Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way."

So that's how Canada got its name.


------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------
"About Canada"  
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of ?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

[harleylady]

Boy u are on a roll sah.heheheheheheh.............................u go..................love it!!! hugs holly

[harleylady]

 

OK FOLKS WHY CANT I COPY STUFF AND PASTE HERE FROM MY PICTURES OR EMAIL......... ..........................PLEASE HELP HERE.......................HOLLY :-/


































 
 


                                                                                                                                                                                               

[Sah]

Hey Holly!

Sorry I've been out here a little!lol!

When your at the place you want to copy, click on edit, then on copy. Minimize or close the location you copied at. Go to where you want to post, to the reply of the post. Click cursor on in the script box at reply. Now click on edit again, copy will be out and paste will be highlighted, click on it. Then it should appear in your script box. Other than that...I'm lost.

Here's a smile for ya!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

Prayers to ya!

Sah

[harleylady]

sah ;Dthanks so much i was beginning to think nobody noticed me.............. ...i will try it when i get back going to an AA convention in Laughlin ,Nv. fr to sun..............so i will be back.hope all is good with you and yours have a great weekend.hugs holly