Re: Wit and Humor

[Dude]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of
another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[sands3]

 Me And You Are Friends ...

      You Smile, I Smile .....

      You Hurt, I Hurt ....

      You Cry, I Cry ...

      You Jump Off A Bridge ...

      I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb Ass

[Dude]

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two Miles north of the PA/MD state line.When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out, and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there's no way in the world I can pass that test."

[sands3]

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF

      1. MONICA LEWINSKI

      2. O. J. SIMPSON

      3. TED KENNEDY

      4. BILL CLINTON


WHY?  YOU ASK....... well.......

       1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

       2. O. J. IS A SLICER

       3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND..

       4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST


Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks



General
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession


You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men
want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and
what bait was used to catch 'em.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds
for the purchase of a  chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering."  Then five guys and two women
stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been
in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "Branding."

There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a
new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to
howling.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.

The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q,
and are embroidered with his logo.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy

[sands3]

Redneck Vasectomy

     After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was
    enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.   So the husband went
     to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
              to have any more children.

      The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
    that  could fix the problem but that it was expensive.  A less costly
      alternative,  said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
     (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can,
              then hold the can up to his  ear and count to 10.

    The Arkansas man said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest knife
     in  the drawer, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
       can next to  my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the
                                   doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.  He
               held the can up to his ear and began to count:

                                     "1"

              "2"

                                     "3"

                                     "4"

                  "5"

     At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
                     resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Alabama and West
                                  Virginia.


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
>
> 1 . All the DNA is the same.
> 2. There are no dental records


Have a good sunday all, it's nice here in Georgia.

[Dude]

Hey, lets eat! Who's got the barbeque sauce?




These are two Iraqi spiders, nocturnal critters (only come out at night), but if they're out in the day they're sitting in shade. If you try to move the shade item, they freak out and chase the shadow, screaming, until they find another shadow.

They can run 10mph and leap 3 feet, and they inject you with a novocaine like poison and munch on you while you sleep... you never know it until you awake to find some of your meat missing. Our G.I.'s are there now dealing with this, on top of everything else.

Not a joke.

[randyman]

Why rednecks shoud'nt be paramedics  

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly  
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his  
eyes are rolled back in his head.  

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.  

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"  

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my  
instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."  

There is a silence. . . and then a shot is heard.  
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"  

[alley-oops]

Warning!!! This is a joke!!! I did not make it up and in no way does it reflect my personal views.  It is meant to make some chuckle and not to start an arguement!!

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where their  family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the
only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay
for the  brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a  female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to
the entire group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down
the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[little_juan]

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an' he done run outa
night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big
frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he
decided
to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real
careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun
de
haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped
hisself
roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a
real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his
bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's
gonna
bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint
a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat
snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to
fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel
sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was

........wit' two more frogs.

[Sah]

For you and from you Alleyoops!

I'll start with some bumper stickers, hopefully everyone will find at least one that tickles their funny bone.....

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
 

 

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
 


 

 

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.
 

 

 

Your ridiculous little  
opinion has been noted.
 

(and now my favorite):

I used to have a handle  
on life...but it broke off.
 

 

WANTED: Meaningful  
overnight relationship.
 
 

 

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
 

 

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
 

 

Don't like my driving?  
Then quit watching me.
 

 

If you can read this...I can  
slam on my brakes and sue you.
 

 

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
 

 

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.




Hang up and drive!!

                   

 Logged

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alley