new humour thread please

[alley-oops]

My computer is sooooo slow I can't post on the Real Wit and Humor thread.  It just locks up trying to load all the old posts when I open reply, so..........If you don't mind I need to start  a new thread of humour for the computer challanged.......

I'll start with some bumper stickers, hopefully everyone will find at least one that tickles their funny bone.....

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.




Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"







Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.






Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.


(and now my favorite):

I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.




WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.





Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"




Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.




Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.




If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.




Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.




Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.




Hang up and drive!!

 

[Sah]

For you Alley! Look over at wit and humour!

My computer is sooooo slow I can't post on the Real Wit and Humor thread.  It just locks up trying to load all the old posts when I open reply, so..........If you don't mind I need to start  a new thread of humour for the computer challanged.......

I'll start with some bumper stickers, hopefully everyone will find at least one that tickles their funny bone.....

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
 

 

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
 


 

 

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.
 

 

 

Your ridiculous little  
opinion has been noted.
 

(and now my favorite):

I used to have a handle  
on life...but it broke off.
 

 

WANTED: Meaningful  
overnight relationship.
 
 

 

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
 

 

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
 

 

Don't like my driving?  
Then quit watching me.
 

 

If you can read this...I can  
slam on my brakes and sue you.
 

 

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
 

 

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.




Hang up and drive!!

                   

 Logged

[todd]

Can't remember many clean ones, but I've always been partial to this.

The preacher asks the little boy what he's going to be when he grows up.
Little boy says, "I'm going to grow up and be very wealthy, and give all my money to you Preacher".
"Why would you want to give me all your money, son?", says the preacher.
"Cause my Daddy says you are poorest preacher he's ever seen", says the boy.

[Dude]

It'd almost be worth having a seperate forum for wit and humor. I've had the same difficulties there. It gets so bogged down I just give up. Just a thought.

[Rob]

The Secret Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

[Cecilseaserpent]

  Those are some good ones. How about this: What has four legs and one arm?....................Give up?........A very happy pitbull. God Bless all Debbie

[Joni]

alley,

great idea,  we bog down out here with such slooooooowww internet, i won't even tell you the speed.

i got one for the gals here, but can't figure out the cut and paste.  i'll work on it.

joni

[todd]

Good one Rob!

I believe I have the slowest internet connection on the planet. 26,400 bps. And I've got one of those killer new modems.

Phone company admits it's their problem. Antique equipment. Maybe they'll get to it some day.

Thanks a lot Alltel!!!!!!!! If they didn't have a monopoly, they could never stay in business.

[Sah]

Todd Amigo!

Those are illegal in Canada! Monopoly's that is! LOL. What state you in?! LOL

Sah

[KELLYGIRL9]

Rob:

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Thank you for making me really really laugh today, or rather tonight.  

[Rob]

Hi Kellygirl,

Your very welcome.

Robin

[Rob]

Three dumb hunters

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."  

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."  

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."  

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

[Rob]

Little johnnie lifesavers

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.  

She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."  

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.  

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."  

Instantly, Lil' Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out! They're a**holes!!"  

[Rob]

A cat dies and goes to heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.  

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.  

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,  

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'  

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best

[todd]

Good one Rob!

2 Aggies went deer hunting. One Aggie thought he saw a deer, and shot it. When he went to see what he'd shot, he discovered he'd shot his buddy.

Later, when the doctor comes out of surgery, the Aggie asks him, 'Doc, will my buddy be ok?"

Doc says "Well, he'd have had a much better chance if you hadn't field dressed him."