new humour thread please

[KELLYGIRL9]

  Rob, keep 'em coming

Rory O'Connor goes to Church to say confession:

Rory steps into the confessional:
*Irish Accents*
"Father I 've commited a terrible sin."
Father Murphy:
"Tell me, son."
Rory:
"I can't father. It's just too terrible."
Father Murphy:
" Was it with a girl?"
Rory:
'Yes, but I can't tell you."
Father Murphy:
"Son, I know you think it's terrible but you can tell me."
Rory:
"I just can't, Father."
Father Murphy:
"Rory O'Connor, if you don't tell me, I can't give you absolution."
Rory:
"I know father but I just can't say it."
Father Murphy:
"Was it with that O'Donnel girl?"
Rory:
"No."
Father Murphy:
"The Sullivan girl?"
Rory:
"No."
Father Murphy:
"The Flaterty girl?"
Rory:
"No, Father."
Father Murphy:
"Now look here Rory, if you don't tell me you'll be banned from going to Mass for a month. Now was it the Shannon girl?"
Rory:
"I'm sorry Father, I just can't tell you."
Father Murphy:
"Then I can't help you. You are hereby banned from taking holy communion and going to mass for one month. Understand?"
Rory:
"Yes, Father."

Rory goes outside and sees his friend Sean waiting for his turn at the confessional.
Sean:
"So what did you get?"
Rory:
"A few good leads and a month's holiday."

[Sah]

Top 10 Funny Store Signs  

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

[Sah]

Writing's Powerful Message  

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[sands3]

o.k. here's one for you guys up in the NW.

The Pacific Northwest : You might be from the Pacific Northwest if:

1. You know the state flower is "mildew."

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. Use the statement, “sun break”, and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal. 8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a

real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and

Willamette.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food..

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers. "

17. You a cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks

18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

20. You can point to at least two volcano's, even if you cannot see cloud cover.

21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.

27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after

such a long time.

28. You measure distance in hours.

29. You often switch from "heat" to "air conditioner" in the same day.

30. You use a down comforter in the summer.

31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter (Winter), Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season (Fall).

34. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends in the Northwest, those who used to live here or those who think they might want to live here!

[sands3]

Time for an appropriate one, sorry couldn't help myself it's spring and I'm on treatment.

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn't care who he hurt.


The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.


One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.


God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.


Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

[Joni]

good gosh, shawn,  those were good  

i have lived in the pacific NW a long time (25+ years).  just about all those, made sense to me.  you did forget how everything, and i mean everything, has some rust on it!

only exception, is i pretty much wear shorts year round, i never put them away for the winter.  that's the power of hot flashes!

joni

[road_dawg]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes alot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's the bonus? I think the life cycle is backwards.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         You should die frist, get it out the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when your to young, you get a gold watch,you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for school. You go to primary school, you become a kid. you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating                                                                              ... and then finish off as an orgasm! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[randyman]

 
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in her closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends so much. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church, where you'll confess."
They go to church, the father alerts the priest and makes the boy sit in the confession booth, then  closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

[Rob]

A Woman's Heart

Mildred was a 93-year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[sands3]

<< Cajuns in heaven
 
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some
Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems.  They are swinging on the
Pearly Gates.  My horn is missing.  Barbecue sauce is all over their robes.  
Ham hock, spareribs and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold.  Some
folks are walking around with one wing.  They have been late taking their turn
in keeping the stairway to heaven clean.  There are watermelon seeds all over
the clouds.  They have eaten almost every animal up here!  Some of them
aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."
 
  The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel Heaven is home
to all my children.  If you really want to know about problems, let's call
the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."
 
  The Devil answered the phone, "Hello?  Hot Damn!  Hold on."  The Devil
returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"
 
  God replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there,
with the Cajuns you have there."
 
  The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5
minutes he returned to the phone, and said, "Okay, I'm back. What was the
question?"
 
  God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
 
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...  Hold on, God."  This time the
Devil was gone for 15 minutes.  The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, God,
I can't talk right now.  These damn coonasses have done put the fire out, and
are holding a benefit crawfish and shrimp boil to install air conditioning."

[Rob]

Three Tough Mice
There were three city mice sitting at a bar.  The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says,"I'm the toughest mouse in this city.  I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."The mice look at each other.  The second mouse slams his whiskey-- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."The third mouse looks at the other two.  Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

[sands3]

The Most Functional English Word

Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional
word in the English language.



Consider:
You can get shit-faced,
Be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.


With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit, Or
be asked to shit or get off the pot.


You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while
others can't tell the difference
between Shit and Shineola.


There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.


You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.


You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.


Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.


You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!


You could pass this along, if you give a shit.  Or not do so, If you don't
give a shit!

Well Shit, it's time for me to go.  Just wanted you to know that I do Give A
Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.  But if you
happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head........Well,

shit happens!



**Live for today cause tomorrow may never come. **





--

_______________________________________________
Get your free Verizonmail at www.verizonmail.com

[sands3]

 Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor
>given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
>themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was
>the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of
>him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
>
>      And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
>
>  7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
>because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
>milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
>the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
>house down, killing both him and his sister.
>
>  6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
>of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and  
>weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
>white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
>create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
>that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
>place. The other end of  the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
>approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
>his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of
>  his suffocation. Police found the task of  explaining the circumstances
>of his death to his family very awkward.
>
>  5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
>when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
>occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
>crashed! . They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
>their ankles.
>
>  4. A 22-year-old, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
>octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
>County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
>straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to
>the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
>Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
>because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled
>was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground"
>Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
>
>
>  3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
>friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
>friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
>hospitalized.
>
>  2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
>of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
>all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building
>had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
>Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
>the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
>described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
>retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
>the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
>of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
>lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
>of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
>
>  AND THE WINNER.....
>
>  1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
>tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the  local golf course.
>Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,  Sanchez
>managed to straddle the ball
>washer and dangle his scrotum in the  machine. Much to his dismay, one of
>his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
>Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly  in the mechanism.
>  Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and
>tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez! , the height of the ball
>washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in
>a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
>  Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
>plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
>testicle was compresed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing
>of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,
>Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro
>shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
>for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
>
>  This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But
>because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity,
>we have allowed it

[zero]

       I suppose you don't HAVE to be a man to qualify for this award but it apparently helps.

[Dude]

Make it stop! Man, Shawn, I'm on my knee's after that one!

Robin, I loved the tough mice! I'm so glad they're not really that tough!