If Only

[little_juan]

IF ONLY THEY KNEW

If only they knew that when I speak of him, I am not being morbid, I am
not denying his death, I am proclaiming his life. I am learning to live
with his absence. For twenty-five years he was a part of my life, born,
nurtured, molded and loved; this cannot be put aside to please those who
are uncomfortable with my grief.

If only they knew that when I sit quietly, apparently content with my own
company, I am not self indulgently unhappy, dwelling on things which
cannot be changed; I am with him, I am seeing his face, hearing his
voice, remembering his laughter, recalling his excitement and joy in life.
Please allow me this time with him as I do not begrudge you your time with
your children.

If only they knew that when I sometimes weep quietly, I do not cry in self
pity for what I have lost, I weep for what he has lost, for the life he
loved, for the music which filled his very being, and for all he still
longed to hear, for the poetry which moved him to tears, for the beauty
about him that daily fed his soul, for the exhilaration and excitement of
flying the skies, his bipolar highs, of searching for his God in the vast space of the
universe. For all that he loved and lost, I cry.

If only they knew the feeling of deep grief, the emptiness, the dull pain,
the endlessness of death, if only they understood the insanity of the
platitudes so freely spoken that "time heals", that "you'll get over it",
that "it was for the best", that "God takes only the best" and realize
that these are more an insult than a comfort, that the warm and
compassionate touch of another means so much more.

If only they knew that we will not find true peace and tranquillity until
we are prepared to try to stand in the shoes of others. We will not be
understood until we learn to understand compassionately and we will not be
heard until we learn to listen with hearts as well as minds.

[OZ]

little_juan
I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through. You  are right, nobody that has not experienced the depth of your loss could ever begin to think they could.   Your writing is beautiful yet so sad, I read it and wept.  

I like to imagine that those who have gone before us, whether spouse, child, parents are looking at us from a better place, waiting to be reunited.

And yes, there are some feelings that time does not change, that you simply never get over.  

Take care and thank you for sharing your writing.
Donna

[willy]

Laura:  In reading this and the Wind Chimes.....it is so hard to express the right words....for there are none.  I'm so sorry for your loss.....and your familys.  I'm honored that you'd share those feelings here.  Most of us out there in the world don't have the experience to know how to help, when that is all that we want to do.  Thanks for letting us better understand how.
         
Sending out love,
Tom

[Jackie]

Laura,

I am not sure what to say. I echo what Donna & Willy said. You do write beautifully.

I'm sorry for your loss seems so....not enough? I can not begin to imagine how you must feel. I do feel he is, as well as others that have gone, are still with us. When you get that shiver or catch a shadow from the corner of your eye they are there. Treasure your memories. If you ever want to talk I am here.

(((((((Laura)))))))

[alley-oops]

Hi Laura,
very moving writing, thank-you.
I can relate to what you have written about here about loss and I thank-you for writing it and sharing it.
love alley

[Rob]

Thank you for reminding me to appricate even more, the important people in my life now, while I can, because there are no guarentees and life's moments can be so fleeting. I have recently lost loved ones, my dad and a very dear friend and almost lost my son in a tragic accident, a few years ago. No grief can compare to the lost of a child. The memories of my lost loved ones, are a comfort me.  I can only begin to imagine the loss of my child but I can imagine how empty words would have upset me.  
I pray for you and your son and His memory is kept alive, as it should be, through you.
I admire you so much Little Juan for sharing your story and for touching and reminding us how precious little time we have.
(((Laura)))
Love,
Robin
 

[Sah]

PEACE TO YOU LAURA!

[blondie50]

[shadow=red,left,300]TEXT[/shadow]
Dear Laura,
I don't think I've ever read anything more moving than your tribute to your son. Thank you so much for sharing this. I've only just found this site and so my response may seem delayed but I think each time this work is read a prayer goes out for you, your family and your son. I wish everybody could be as loved as is your son. What a blessing it would be.
My mother died when I was 13 yrs. old and you're right. It changes with time but it doesn't always get easier. And I believe as you do that our loved ones don't leave us entirely. Our love for them keeps them close. And their love for us.
God bless you and yours. My prayers are with you all.

Lorri