How do I make him feel more secure?

[pooh]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few years and I love him with all of my heart.  We found out that he has Hep-C about a year and  a half ago.  I am not sure how I feel.  I know I do Love him I think I am in denile.  I don't want to live the rest of my life without him.  You know I try to be strong but he takes it as I don't care about what is going on with him.  I work very hard and want to take care of him.  I want him to be able to stay at home if he needs to.  He thinks that I don't spend enough time with him.  I also have kids and work two jobs until my second one takes off.  This is the job that will allow him to stay at home and I will be able to work from home.  I need to know what to say when he says stuff like this.  It really hurts my feeling to think that he thinks I don't care about him.  I have been thur alot with him.  He is also in recovery from alcohol.  Please help me.


Thank you
Pooh

[willy]

Pooh....... I may come off as an old crab (I'm 52, which may simply make me a middle aged crab)..... but I would ask you to think about renaming your post; "How can I feel more secure?".   ( I'm teasing you a little here.....don't actually do it.  )  Allow me to explain.  You see, to me....... you are doing EVERYTHING; working two jobs, I assume parenting duties, household tasks, and the huge job of caring for someone and all while fretting that you aren't doing enough.

Just because a person has HCV does not make them an invalid.  It sounds to me as if you are doing PLENTY; perhaps more than your fair share.  You may even agree; I am only basing my opinion on information which you provided.

As I mentioned, I am 52, have HCV, work a job, also work a part time job, and have my three kids living with me (15, 17, 21).  I provide parenting (I'm a single parent), housekeeping, driving assistance in school, and am rebuilding my house.  I even provide a few hours of work on this board per week.  So just because people have HCV should not prevent them from also contributing.  I can't speak to the level that your boyfriend is disabled by HCV, but many of us are able to work.  If we are given care, most of us have a level of gratitude for it.

I'm glad that your boyfriend is in recovery.  If he wants to keep the HCV at bay he may find that working a 12 step program may help him stay clean.  I have attended al-anon for 5 years.  One of our deals is to try to keep the focus on ourselves and "let go" of wanting so much (approval, gratitude, and non-stop adoration  ) from other people.  I'm being a little tough on you because I feel as if I have been in a similar place.  There was never an end to how much I had to work.  We end up trying to equate our value with how much we work, or how much we DO for other people.  It IS a strength and a positive feature in a person...... but it is possible to overdo it.  It becomes a character defect if we let our kindness and capacity for giving (and giving and giving) run wild.  If it is out of balance we just work, cut ourselves off from life and run ourselves into the ground.  And for what? For others approval........  Uh oh......

It sounds to me as if you are a caring person.  Maybe if you worked less you would have more time for the kids and boyfriend. Maybe if you are working two jobs the kids may actually need you more than the boyfriend.

My apologize if this comes off a little gruff.  My goal would be to get you to have a little more rest, fullfilment of your own life objectives and enjoyment out of life.

Best wishes,
Willy

[Lisa]

Pooh-

I guess I am thinking a little like Willy, except I would ask if you might want to put some alanon into your already hectic shedule.  I am also in recovery and married to a man in recovery who has gone thru tx for HCV and I have done a little alanon myself.  One of the best slogans I carry with me is,

"We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can't control it, but we CAN contribute to it."    

You doing all this stuff "for" him can create a sense of helplessness or worthlessness in him.  It may also make you feel more important and resentful.  So, my question would be, what are you doing to take care of you and the kids (unfortunately as mothers, our kids are part of us until we are able to kick their big butts out of the nest   )

Doing what was best for me typically meant doing what was best for my family, even if they didn't think so.  If I am not in a good place, how can I be any help to them?  I need to make sure I have been eating right, sleeping, talking to caring people, and mindful of my feelings.  If I am doing all that, I am at a place where I can thoughtfully take care of the others in my life.  I am not taking hostages but having a relationship.

Try some alanon.  Maybe it will help heaps!

[pooh]

Thank you for your honesty.  Today he called me at work and he couldn't get out of bed.  He feels like crap.  I know there is nothing that I can do.  I wish I could go thur this for him.  I don't like to see anyone suffering much less the man that I love.  I also know this is the reason that I have never done drugs or drank.  I was always afraid of the concequences.  He wants to blame GOD for all of the things in his life that have gone bad.  I told him that he was the one that has free will to do and say anything that he wants.  He choose to drink and do drugs.  For every action there is a consequence whether good or bad.  Isn't this what we try to teach our kids.  Once again Thank you.