divorce

[Lynda2657]

Has any one gotten a divorce after treatment for spouse was finished.

[willy]

Lynda:  I've been here about two years.  I don't recall any people mentioning it.  Of course, after treatment many people drift off.  No question, many relationships have been tested and stressed during treatment.  It would not surprise me that some marriages might fail.  In addition to the stress of TX...... I would imagine that there might be a post traumatic kind of reaction.  The same sort that some may experience as post partum depression, or the kind of re-evaluation of ones life following heart attack or cancer treatments.  I would think that some sort of change following treatment whether successful or not, could be expected in a number of relationships.

Was there a question that you would ask someone that had that result?

best,
Willy

[Jaime]

Hi Lynda,

Not exactly sure where you were going with the question.  From my own experience, I have not heard of anyone getting a divorce, and even my hsb and I are still together.  Treatment was harsh, not just on him but on the relationship and we have been seeing a marriage counselor.  He has been off tx for a little over 6 months and remains virus free and is finally back to his old self.  We have considered divorce, on his part probably the evaluating your life that Willy talked about, but on mine, just the fierce hurts that his behavior put me thru during his treatment.  Our counselor says I am the one suffering PTSD.  Great, huh?  But, we are talking more and sharing a lot more of our lives since he is off the tx.  I think one of his biggest fears was that I would leave him during the tx and mine was that he would leave me after the tx.  But now, it is almost like a new lease on life.  We have the ability to reinvent our marriage and that is what we are trying to do.  Good luck with your own situation!

[willy]

One of the great things about this particular forum (the whole board too, but to a lesser degree) is that the "loved one" can see that others too have had a very stressful "ride" as the infected party goes through TX.  For genotype 1's and 4's it means a year (and sometimes more) of flu-like symptoms, sleeplessness, depression, riba rages, and the never ending fear of wondering whether the treatment will work.  It is a lot for a person to carry and be positive and available as they once may have been.  It may also be difficult for the loves one or kids to understand that the behavior is a result to the treatment (at least in part).  Some of the hurts and resentments may carry on long after treatment has ended.  It wouldn't surprise me if many parties had a sort of stress related reaction to going thru TX.....even when it is successful.

Best,
Willy

[casaja3]

I haven't been through treatment...but I have been through divorce. And about to go through another one.

Hep C and it's treatments come with alot of side effects...temperaments are changed and I would imagine difficult for the supporter to deal with. I am of the opinion though, that if a divorce is pending after such an ordeal...then perhaps there were already problems? Maybe being in a situation where people are forced to face the fact that they are mortal...pushes them into a decision to move on with thier lives.(thats my situation) Or maybe the resentments linger and the person can't grow past them. Or maybe the relationship simple wasn't strong enough to begin with.

Whatever the situation, If you are the one leaving...then you have your reasons. And if you are being left...then don't "beat yourself up" over it. Sometimes marriages/relationships can't handle the extra stress that comes with having an illness. Go through the options out there...have you done councelling, anger management, mediation, spoken with your head of church or with your doctors as a couple, ect. Have you talked? Really talked? Do both of you understand the side effects? And that hey may have been a contributing factor to the behaviours?

Take care and hang in there...no matter what side of it you are on. Divorce is not easy no matter what the circumstances.

Jaime....congratulations on getting back on track with your partner.

Tracy Lee

[eskimogirl]

I don'tthink my HCV is the catalyst  to my divorce.It was not an issue at the time,though,I believenoww that the stress I felt contributed to him backing off.i don't blame myself,he left me for another,younger version ofme,but sometimes,I find myself playing the "what if?" game.
I have tokeep reminding myself that even if HCV was an issue with him,he was hell bent on having an affair with someone who laughed at his jokes and made him feel younger.
Hang tight.Its all gonna be ok.
Cheryl

[Patti]

I agree with Cheryl - It IS going to be ok. It may take some time but the day will come when the sunshine will keep shining on you.

[Dude]

In my time posting here I think there were a couple of mid-treatment divorces. It's the riba-rage, I think, if it's on the part of the patient. It's the lack of understanding when it's coming from the mate. I think the meds totally screw up your metabolism, and as a result our emotions are on a roller coaster ride like it's coming from hell. It's very scarey, and now and then we feel overly sensitive and are prone to outbursts of emotional venting, like a safety valve letting off steam, only in many cases it's so violent, like a powder keg,  it scares the living crap out of anyone who witnesses it. Even us. I know I had a couple of extreme blowups and man, it scared the crap out of me. I've gotten mad many times before, but nothing like this. I was freaked out, and then I felt like I must be going insane or something. It was horrible to not be in total control of myself. It scares me even now, just writing about it. Imagine, if you've never had one of these explosions, living all your life in complete control of your anger. Or very near complete. Suddenly every day becomes a hellish struggle, no energy, a lot of pains and discomfort, depressed, alone (I was anyway), and so on. And all the while your metabolism is going haywire. You're not sure if you're living or dying. Then one day it all comes out in a rush of emotion, just like a volcano. Very scarey indeed.

Yes, I think it's a compilation of many things, over time, we become frustrated and irritable, and a number of other emotions, crying for no obvious reason. I imagine in time our spouse may get to where they say, enough. And mainly because they can't handle it any longer. They haven't learned enough about Hep C to understand it, and even if they read all day long they probably still wouldn't get it. Because for us to explain it is hard, we don't get it either. So it becomes a very uncomfortable situation, and in time all they see is us in poop, day in and day out, rotten attitudes and stress, sadness and anger, snappy responses and wanting to be alone, feeling lonely and wanting a friend and nobody acts like they really want to see us. It's totally confusing, and is seen just as confusing from both sides of the fence. So, it's little wonder a marriage is put thru so much strain with all this. And I didn't mention there's often job loss, kids that cry out in their frustration, and they really don't get it, so it's spirals, and unless you have an incredibly strong spouse, you stand a huge chance of losing them in the end. Or in the middle, but somewhere in there.

Doesn't surprise me at all. I'm kind of surprised we never hear about murder, or jail time for assault. Riba rage is serious stuff. Marriages are strained by our emotions. That's why I am so glad I turned to God. He's been my stabilizer. And since deciding to invest myself in that area, my stresses have reduced dramatically. So that's why I try to share that. We have way too much stress, and stress management is crucial to healing. The scriptures are my stress management.

I wasn't married when my treatment started. In a way, I'm glad, but it was the hardest road I've ever travelled. Twice. I'm just glad I didn't have to put anyone through what a spouse would go through with my Hep C.

[DjTurtle]

  Yes, I went through a divorce in the middle of my first go round with the hep c dragon. My viral count was on a good spiral down at 3 months into it, til the month my ex up and left the house, the city and the state with my daughter. Three months later my viral count was higher than at the beginning of the tx. I try not to dwell on the extra stress he put me through. I am/was a strong Christian. He wasn't. He couldn't take being the one being leaned on, is part of how I see it. I was there strong for him through alcoholism, etc. I think it scared him when I folded for the first time he had seen. I do believe that the marriage was hurting before the hep c was diagnosed, but that was the straw that broke the back. Things are better now. I learned to face it alone. But now I have learned where to get the support I need. This site and another are excellent sources and my children, although not understanding completely what I am going through, are more supportive and trying to learn more about this dragon in my life. I also found a local support group that helped. I have found a fellow hepper now that has just finished treatment and shows nondetectable now. I was there for him and he wants to be here for me when I go the next round with the dragon! I know that with God's help I can stand strong, but it sure is nice when he provides a helper. 

Be strong all,
DjTurtle

[eskimogirl]

Isn't it a strange human thing to do? To lash out at the people we love?  my mom says we do that because we are comfortable with them..that we don't have to hide our feelings with them...Odd though that is the very thing that will drive them away..
I hope you know that you're not alone Lynda..
We're here
cheryl

[robin]

I have friends...he has Hep C and she doesn't. He is probably on about week 48 now. They were in the middle of separating when he got his diagnosis and she stayed with him thru out treatment. Both agree the marriage is gone but they have a couple of teen-agers at home so they continue to live together but separate lives. Was just told that the wife is planning on exiting as soon as the treatment is finished and he is getting over the sides. He worked the entire time during treatment and I'm having a hard time undernstanding why she would stay with the idea to leave as soon as he finished. Go figure...Keep your spirits high...robin

[casaja3]

My husband and I were about to separate too when I got diagnosed. We delayed it and tried to carry on until we figured out what I was going to do. ended up that I decided to ask him to leave anyways. I found the diagnosis really made me re evaluate everything in my life and I didn't want that unhealthy marriage anymore. He has moved out but has remeained supportive and assures me he will be there for the kids when the time comes to treat.

Everyone situation is different. Deal with it as amicably and healthily as you can. Try not to let the heartbreak break your spirit. Hang in there, head up..stay positive. No matter why people leave...YOU ARE NOT THE DISEASE..or the treatment. It does not define you.Sometimes people are not strong enough to watch someone they care about go through a hard time. Or maybe there are other reasons...whatever they are, it will be ok.

" In difficulty lies opportunity"

take care
Tracy Lee

[firemed]

Difficult to admit....
But I'm probably not the only one out here...
As I was going through Tx, I too started thinking of getting that divorce. I told myself that I'm not happy with my life the way it is going, and that when I finished Tx, it would be time for a change.....
I took a serious look at the way things were and blamed it on the spouse, her attitude, and the fact that she never exercises, never does anything differant.  I looked at the way I have returned to work and made so many changes in my life as of late, yet she has stayed the same.
I knew....
It was time for a change after Tx....
Well - here we go....
I'm done with Tx, responded great, the sides are leaving....


but I'm not...
As the sides slide away, and my mood improves,
I can look and see just how much support my wife has provided....
How she has been there the whole time, telling the children that "it's not your father, it's the meds"
How yes - I need the stability that she gives...
This 100lb soaking wet woman can be  -  and has been - the strength in this home.....
My attitude?
The best way to change the attitude in your home -
start by looking in the mirror
I asked her if she ever thought about leaving me during the Tx
"leaving ?    -    no......."

"murder ?    -    yes "
NO WAY - could I ever find a more wonderful person to share my life with.
When she said "in sickness and in health" she meant every word of it too...
Sea Ya,
Michael

[willy]

Wher I live people often say..."if you don't like the weather here.....just wait 15 minutes and it will change".  It seems that marriages have their seasons too.  I would imagine that like many other things you might find that this too shall pass.  I believe that many people on TX end up feeling (and perhaps sometimes acting  ) a little off kilter.  It's not unusual; rather it is to even be expected.  Who knows; maybe TX can as equally strenghten a marriage.  I would have to be appreciative of someone who would stand by me if I were to go on TX.  I've got to believe that the whole family is on TX for the duration of treatment and then some. 

It's nice to hear about how one of our members was supported during TX; hats off to spouses, loved ones, and family.

Willy

[robin]

I know some people will consider this a crazy statement but I have often heard that when people initially started marrying and forming monogamous relationships...the life expectancy was much lower and that is a contributor to the high divorce rates we see now. We are not meant to be married to one person for 60 years...so we created the idea of serial marriage. I am part of those statistics...being 52 years old and on my second marriage (14 years). Keep your spirits high..robin