Journey into the outer guts of somewhere

[Dude]

Standing in the e-road wondering why
when so many ego's begin to fly
can you not see how lame you are
you dogmatic undertow, losing your mind

Rolling on the floor drooling and in tears
you attacked me with a vengeance
and I laughed the night away
did you think I'd beg forgiveness?

And here I thought you made sense
your fake pleasantries hiding arogance
stand up, damn you, and get a grip
there's better heads ahead, ah, your times up anyway.

That was then, but it seems like yesterday
we were hep friends and then
like a banshee you cracked and turned
and attacked me, for what? Kicks? No thanks.

I get my peace enroute to the east
if it ain't happenin I cut to the hut
you sho' ain't much
but girl what a butt

It's times like this
we learn to live again
it's night's like this
I look into my head

Be you now, not the goon you were
be the friend, not the loon, you know who you are
good to see you on this cool night
still pickin that nose, eh? Yeah, right.

If you can't say something nice
take a hike, and come back later
when you think you can try
or don't come back and it's alright.

Seeing you here is something to wonder
why you ever went away to begin with
it's not like you killed anyone
or ate my sandwich when I went to the can.

Chokin' on a Lorna Doone
'bout half past noon
can't seem to find the sled
that takes me to your head.

Made it through two hells now
not to mention the other thousand
but these were harder then all of them
never doing that again.

Final roaches winding down
fragrant herb I can't deny
had a way with me, me with her
she grew on yonder wood,

Could've made her last
but rather ride the head
into the cloud of laughter
wild stories feel me good.

Can't imagine where this was
when it came to me then
but there it went and won't return
until I thinks again.

Goody night sweet muffin-nose
keep the hands above the covers
say the prayers and mean them
and when you wake we'll dance for breakfast.

[maura]

WOW !  This could find a home in the rant section too !!!  I envy you being able to get things off your chest in witty clever rhyming way. 
Take care !

[Dude]

When I read back over it, it does look like there was anger, but believe me, I was feeling pretty good when I wrote it.

[Dude]

I tried to delete this but couldn't. I suppose when there's just one reply, it becomes cut in stone. But apparently it was taken in a bad light. People miss the humor, but I've reread it several times and I think now I can understand why.

Nobody truly likes sarchasm. I don't like it either. Well, maybe just a little, but not when it attacks. In this case, I was bitter over some very old spilled milk, and have yet to overcome it. It isn't like me to be so bitter or hold onto old anger, but in this instance there was something that triggered it, and, being in my usual state of self-medication, I jumped at the opportunity to throw down a bit of my old babble-write. I know that's not a word, but it fits (doesn't it).

If anyone here actually knew me for who I am, and knew what I went through here at a certain point in time, I hope they'd be able to figure out what I was getting at. It's not a hate thing, not at all, even more a love thing with disappointments attached. It's an old baggage that has hitch-hiked itself to me and it's been the most irritating piece of luggage I have had the misfortune of being a part of. I thought I'd detached it long ago, but apparently not.

I always was tempted to write something here, but I felt nobody would be able to appreciate it, whether it was written in jest or in an emotionally charged moment of seriousness. I have an old habit of keeping it abstract. It's just a deeply rooted part of my art, my humor, and most of my way of seeing life. It began when I was in my late teens and influenced by acid, pot, and a number of other recreational mood enhancers (for lack of a better term).

In truth, I've been like a mix between the walking dead and in full survival mode for the past 5 years, and nothing of any even moderately grand quality has come out of my head since then. I've been tempted, but there's always been something in the way, like depression, or stress, but I'm not even sure of that. I'm not sure because too often I am in a good mood, and it's so odd to know that in myself there is so much turmoil going on that I can be suicidal now and laughing my ars off then.

It's like everything is too critical, yet I'm floating in humor, discarding all that serious and life crushing crap. But I don't let it win, I mean, it's me at the wheel (in my heads helm), so why bother to be crushed by the stressors? And all the while I'm here knowing the stress still exists, and won't just go away. What a mire of BS. Glad I don't have to sit in it, or at least that's what I keep telling myself. But that's probably what inspired me all along to write this madcap nonsense... just sitting in the mire of the BS too long, and I should be out in life enjoying some good distraction.

Anyway, for those of you who were scared off by my original post here, I apologize. That wasn't my intent. But I did find it odd that nobody said much of anything about it, not even to slap my face. I thank Maura for her wit and kind comment. And you're so right, it could just as well have been written in the Rant forum.

I surprise myself even to this day, writing things that only create electricity and tend to only stir the pot, and I pay heavily at times for the looseness of my mind. This is one of those heavy times, and I deserve it. Your silence has been my punishment. Take a few more lashes while I'm around to appreciate them.

Good day, and may the goodness prevail, every time.





Note:
Moderators, please don't bother to remove it. Let me be the example of a fools babblings, so others will see how futile it is to try to convey frustrating emotions. It could be useful for another tool who comes along and thinks he can freely sling the poo. And maybe I can learn to be a more civil tool, as well.

Life's a long song.

[willy]

Joris......I just want to get this out ASAP.  My response is not well thought out and I may add to it.  Mostly I just want you to get my first impressions.

First:  I don't always feel qualified to judge, evaluate, interpret many things that are written.  I even have some experience doing it in colllege, but I just end up feeling like I may interpret things incorrectly.  I'm also lazy and so if when I don't get it....the underlying thought......I may just move on instead of dig in.  I think it's natural for people to internalize responses and non responses.  You might interpret for instance my silence as non approval of some sort.  Rather, it may be my feeling of inadequacy to respond.  Or maybe I'm just wrapped up in my own stuff; job, kids; whatever.  There are a few offerings here that I've REALLY liked and I've said NOTHING.  And for that I end up berating myself

Second:  If you will, the entries made here are creative writing.  They are made to satisfy a need to express oneself.  That, in and of itself, is enough; and end in itself.  Just as many could argue about what the MONA LISA is smiling wistfully about..... there is no one set interpretation or correct answer.  I believe that the act of writing itself is one of discovery and revealing onself.  It may be a cathartic to expunge things that need to be revealed to onself.  It may be the subconscious's way of revealing to the conscious self something of importance.  In that sense...... I don't feel that any writing is bad or improperly done.  For me this looks like a success.

Finally, I've written things on this board that I have rethought ands regretted.  Oh well.  We just keep going on.  Every day is an opportunity to meet the day and have a better day.  I don't think anyone judges you.  If we were to take a poll (lol.....we can do that now....  ) I would guess that most people are envious and respectful of your gifts.  I consider you a very gifted writer.

Your friend,
Willy

[Dude]

My friend... yes, you are the finest friend I've found here, Willy, and you've been so good to me when I was a bad boy. I don't deserve you.

Thank you for giving me some peace. I've been my toughest critic, and sometimes it just takes a true friend to put my mind at rest. Living alone has it's benefits, but it has many drawbacks, as well. Too much living under my own microscope. But it has to be that way... imagine if I didn't care, the depths of things I write would take me down fast and hard.

I'd like to point out that you also are a gifted writer, and a man of deep compassion. We've all benefited greatly from your passionate work as moderator here. You're the most perfectly tuned governor for our needs, and an exemplary moderator. I commend you for your steadfast efforts to provide us with a stout keel and careful captainship. I shudder to think where we may have gone without you checking us and offering your keen sense of guidance. You deserve a great deal of respect from everyone here, including the boss, and I'm pretty certain you've got it from all points.

Thank you, true blue friend.

God bless.

[willy]

LOL..... Keep it up.  Now I'm going to have to go out and get re-programed so I can have a more true sense of my true self worth.   

I'm both joking and serious.  I've been riddled with my own doubts from time to time myself, so don't feel like the lone ranger.  I also think that I probably come off better than I really am.  In a way...... I'm just a guy that acts as the FACE for the site.  I do a lot of posting but many of my posts are a composite of all the mods and admins own intelligence and compassion.

Getting back to the origional post, I'm read it over.  My guess is that if 5 people read it you'll also get 5 different responses.  I think we all bring our own experiences and pregerences into the interpretation of any art.  I hope that you'l keep writing.  I recall once wanting to post something but I was too shy.

best,
willy

[pancha_villa]

Hi caddude,
    I really liked what you wrote, i got to admit , i was kindof scared but it had a powerful bang to it and it does reflect what you think and might want to express,.But never sweat what you wrote ,. This is the reason it is called creative writting......
I look forward to your next one.
pancha villa

[countrygirl]

Joris,

I have always enjoyed your writings The are thoughtful and thought-provoking. Never once have I read one such as this and gone away feeling 'ho-hum"...more often it churns around in my mind for some time afterwards. I admire people that can lay it out there for all to see. And in that sense, I am glad that it wasn't deleted.

 I wish I was as brave as you and others that can express themselves so well and in such moving ways. I can do so in the safety of a journal, but when it comes to posting or sharing it, so many times I balk, censor... and in the end, delete.

Please continue to share your words with us. Perhaps in doing so, it will encourage those of us that struggle to find that voice.

Pam

[Dude]

Thanks a lot Pancha and Pam. I'm still in a strange mood tonight. Can't describe it. Life is so unpredictable. Sometimes I wonder where I'll be tomorrow. I guess I have too much time to think alone.

But thanks, my friends. I'm sorry I'm such a freak. It's good to know I have you guys to lean on.

God bless.

[desertheart]

 
I believe our lives are tapestries woven from our experiences, including those of great joy and great sorrow. The strongest threads, which hold our tapestries together, are woven from those we love, and from those who have made an impact upon our lives. With time, images and patterns appear, and we begin to see them more clearly.   
I continue to weave my tapestry, and now its patterns go far back in time, for much has happened since it was begun. The small golden unfinished designs touch those that are deep and beautiful, woven from great adventures and quiet victories. Colors that make up a pattern of healing pull away the curtains of darkness, and show sorrow as a part of living, and death as a part of life.
Threads of joys, dreams, and gratitude make up the radiant colored patterns, while strands of miracles intermingle among those of dreams, memories and change. But the pattern that shines the brightest and the strongest is the one woven from those I love, and from those who love me. I believe we find a way to weave together forever , that which really matters in our lives.
~ Flavia Weedn



I JUST LOVED THIS WHEN I READ IT..JORIS YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A GREAT TALENT,HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS,DESERHEART

[Dude]

Thanks DesertHeart, I did. I loved it. I don't want to keep whining about my feelings, I just need to get my butt off the ground again and keep on truckin. I have too much time alone, and sometime it wears me down. I handled it really well for many years, and now I wish I wouldn't have thought it was so important to go it solo with my son. Now he's 20 and out on his own, and I'm stuck here with my thoughts and memories. What you copied for me to read was sort of like my life, but my tapestry has a lot of holes in it, and a lot of frayed edges. It's like a beatiful masterpiece thats gone through the mill. Like someone tied it to the back of my Jeep and drove it through the woods.

But I'm determined to get back up, and put this stupid anger and depression in it's place. It's just not worth me getting all crushed over. In fact, I laugh at myself when I see this. What a fool. I'm better than this, and I am fed up with the confusion over it. It's just a bad memory, and it's place is in the past, not here today. I need to focus more on today, and tomorrow, and make something happen that will replace the emptiness, something I can stand on, something to hold onto. I need to get my sailboat towed down from north Florida and put it in the river and sail the dang thing. That's my goal.

Thanks guys. You are true and blue, and I don't know where I'd be without you people, you friends. I value you all more than you know.

God bless.

[desertheart]

I THINK A LOT OF US PROBABLY FEEL THE SAME WAY..THE WOULDA,COULDA,SHOULDA....I KNOW THAT I TO STRUGGLE WITH THINGS IN THE PAST,AND OFTEN FIND MYSLEF NOT LIVING IN THE PRESENT..I THINK THIS HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE ALONE ,FOR LONG PEROIDS OF TIME..I RAISED MY 3 WITH NO HELP ,IT WAS NOT EASY..AND SOMEHOW IN ALL MY DESPAIR I GOT THRU..I REMEMBER WHEN MY YOUNGEST WAS 15 I WOULD SAY 3 MORE YEARS..WELL THAT THREE YEARS ARRIVED LASTYEAR..I DIDNT HAVE TO GET UP AT 6 ANYMORE ,I COULD SLEEP IN ,GET IN BED WHEN I DIDNT FEEL GOOD..NO MORE FAMILY DINNERS..NOW IM LEFT TO TRY TO GET BACK MY LIFE.AFTER GIVING IT TO MY KIDS FOR 24 YEARS...AND ITS HARD..I DONT KNOW WHERE  TO START,BUT THIS WEB SITE OFFERS HOPE ON ALL SPECTRUMS..AND AS THEY SAY ONE DAY AT A TIME..AND TODAY IM ESPECIALLY HAPPY JUST GOT A NEW WASHER AND DRYER (YIPPPPPY)..AND ON MY 2 LOAD ALREADY.I FEEL VERY ACCOMPLISHED THIS MORNING.....HAVE A GREAT DAY

[maura]

Joris

I thank Maura for her wit and kind comment.

Thank you for sharing.... your voice is the voice of many ! 

 

 I wish I was as brave as you and others that can express themselves so well and in such moving ways. I can do so in the safety of a journal, but when it comes to posting or sharing it, so many times I balk, censor... and in the end, delete.

Please continue to share your words with us. Perhaps in doing so, it will encourage those of us that struggle to find that voice.

Pam

DITTO !