A thought on choices

[Hank's mom]

I wrote this just before I started treatments for a book I'm working on. It didn't become part of the book, but I think about my choices everyday. They really didn't seem like choices at the time, and in some ways, I'm not convinced they were. But I am proud of the choice I've made to get well even knowing how difficult the side effects can sometimes be. I hope everyone is proud of their efforts to get well whether it is through traditional treatments or non-traditional, everyone that checks into these pages is making a choice to do something positive for their future and for the future of those in their lives. By sharing the best and worst stories we all are contributing to each other's knowledge and support. That's big. Be proud. Don't mean to sound to preachy, but as I was readying my manuscript to send off, I came across this and was moved to share.
momxfive

CHOICES

Choices.
The word – its meaning.
What could I have been I thinking?
Why did I do it – make them?
 Those particular choices.

It keeps coming back to me,
Haunting my waking thoughts,
Ravaging the peace of my sleep,
Excapeless selections,
Choices.

It seemed so simple – then,
Should I? – yes or no,
Bear I? – stay or move,
Can I? – do or don’t,
Make these choice.

They don’t travel alone, you know,
Choices come with the baggage
Of a madman on the verge of a long trip,
Gathering a hodgepodge of vagaries,
Tucked among his mismatched socks.

What am I to do when assailed as this,
I picked him up for what I thought
Would only be a short ride,
His innocent-looking thumb stuck out beside the road, became another choice.

I am pursued by that monsters of doubt,
That live in my soul, a tormented place
Where decisions made are the vile
Sewage roiling the gutters
Of my mind.

A blink of an eye was all it took
No, I think it was a lifetime,
Or is that part of my torture,
This ever after of uncertainty
Of my  choices?

For the blink did happen
And then it was all different
Never to return to the time before.
Oh, that I could return now so as to
Rectify with my new insights,
My acknowledged discord.

I worked with the information at hand,
I justify, though its not enough.
It was the logical thing to do I believed,
Yet it turned out to be wrong,
Different from the concept of my choices.

How can I amend?
Should I let myself off this hook
Baited with the illusion of my accuracy
And the voice in my heart?
Will anyone listen, let alone care,
That I made these choices.

Choices.
I could make an apology,
Surely that would work.
But I again my hesitation emerges –
Does acceptance negate
The Choices.

[linda]

   thank you for sharing.  that was great!!!  what's this about a book you've written?  i'd like to hear more about it!!   keep up the good work!!  ~~linda~~

[Dude]

Wow! That's deep, Mom. Sounds like something truly of a personal sacrifice, something of regret or maybe trying to accept it but having a rough time of it. I know, sometimes it's hard to forgive yourself for things you chose to do in the past, but at some point it stays there, and you finally realize it will always be there, back in the past where it belongs. And since now you're here in the future, it can't hurt you anymore. It's just a memory. Some memories are best left where they belong. Some are cherished. This sounds like one of the former.

I like your writing style. Nice emotion, real passion.

God bless.

[Hank's mom]

Thanks all for your thooughts about "Choices". My book is a collection of short stories, poetry and some drawings I've done. All the work is about choices, relationships, stops on the road of life. I started the work when I couldn't get off my coach before my back surgery, then when I could sit at my desk again I put together the notes and ideas I'd filled a notebook with and voila! It has been very good medicine through this all because its a goal that has moved outside of myself. Will it change the world - I doubt it - but perhaps readers will recognize their own relationships in some story or poem, recognize a stop on the road in a drawing. For me, writing and drawing are reasonable, sane outlets. I recommend creativity over many other kinds of therapy because you're left with a positive result you can look at, read, hold later on, something you can pass on and share without having to explain yourself. If people don't understand, that becomes their problem instead of argueing your point in a conversation. (don't need that frustration now.)
I'm just finishing reading "If I Live To Be 100" by Neenah Ellis. Its a series of interviews Ms. Ellis did with people 100 or more years old. There is a lot of wisdom in the pages, along with the slices of these people's lives, but mostly, for me at this time is the importance of sharing and the power of connection.
Creativity allows us to share and connect beyond our smaller world's with people we may never meet. Yes, I think its very healthy. When I'm having my worst days I realize I haven't created anything, I've skipped my dose of release. Its a powerful med indeed!
momxfive