An Art of Forgiveness

[gregg rowe]

The Difference Between Forgiving and Unconditional Love

A Letter of Unconditional Love From A Son To His Abusive Deceased Father

May 17th, 2001

Dear Dad:

Today I learned the difference between unconditional love and forgiving. Today I decided that I would allow myself to forgive you as a person who was not only my biological father, but also my abuser: sexually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To be able to do this, I had to reflect and process all the scars, physically and internally, that you branded into me through your actions. I also had to redirect my anger that I have been carrying around all these years into a new feeling: one of sadness.

We both have one thing in common as father and son: we both live with an incurable disease and addiction called alcoholism. I realize today, that like me, you could not control yourself while under the influence of alcohol. And as I go through this process of forgiving you, the person who lived with an uncontrollable illness, I am able to redirect my anger, resentment and hatred towards you into sadness so that I may allow myself to be grievous to my many losses throughout my life.

The very first loss that I need to grieve is the loss of an opportunity to know you as the person you should have been while sober. I carry around with me no happy moments (were they any?) of my childhood while you were raising me. All I have is a few black and white photographs of you and Mom standing outside our family home before I was conceived. And your wedding picture. You were a very handsome man (now I know where I get my handsome looks and hazel eyes from) and Mom was a beautiful bride. I am saddened that I did not have the opportunity to know this young man.

This forgiveness does not exempt you from the actions that you imposed and scarred me for life. I will and have the right to possess these memories because not only are they part of my everyday existence, they are also part of my character, personality, and individuality of my id and are mine until the end of my mortality.

These actions stagnated my growth and robbed me of my innocence, naiveté, and dreams of my childhood. These actions also became my nightmares during the day and almost broke my spirit and destroyed my future.

It is with caution that I write "almost destroyed my future", because I have discovered it is never too late to ask for help and I have humbled myself to this process and have entered a program to break the cycle of alcoholism and the circle of abuse that has been happening in our family for three generations, if not more.

This road to recovery has been a difficult one. Because of your actions, and others in my early childhood, I made a choice while I was in my early teens and twenties of not having children because I was afraid and fearful that I would be like you, and I did not want to risk hurting my child like you did your offspring.

By the time I did decide I wanted an heir, I discovered at the age of twenty-six that I would never be able to father a child. I am satisfying this parental need by helping other children who come from dysfunctional families to better their quality of life.

Certain actions through physical and sexual abuse that you imposed on me while I was a child, affected my sexual life as an adult and the physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual scars are still visible today. Your actions about sex, even before I knew what it was, left me in a state of confusion about my sexuality. For a long time, I had an innate battle if I was gay, straight or bi-sexual.

I am not forgiving you for these actions because I feel that you did not teach me the fundamental rule of thumb: that a relationship must include love and that sex is the exhilarating, enthusiastic and elated actions in a loving relationship.

For many years, I was afraid to enjoy the sexual acts that I willingly participated in. (Later in life, I would still be forced to participate in sex or raped by males because I did not have the courage to stand up for myself.) This is something that you ingrained within my character by always abusing me into a senseless coward, afraid of himself if he were to rise like a Phoenix.

These internal and physical scars have brought down my self-esteem as a young man. Your actions impregnated on my private parts during your drunkenness are an embarrassment to speak about to the questioner.

The emotional scars you left me with have been a daily battle. My female lovers have always been dominant and possessive. My search for a male lover who would be better than you, resulted in not only finding a clone of you, but also a replica of our relationship that resulted in keeping me in a shell that I am just learning to break out of.

Up until the age of twenty-five, I was comfortable with my bi-sexuality, even though through ignorance and intolerance, my family has abandoned me. It was also at this age that I gave up practicing my bi-sexuality with women and have had only a few safe-sex encounters with males that did not involve physical touching, but depended more upon the use of pornographic films and images. The reason for this is because through a long-term male relationship, I became HIV+. I came to this decision because I did not want to be criminally charged with the transmission of the virus, though I do know of all the precautions of engaging in a safe-sex relationship. It was because through your actions I became (un)trusting of everyone that entered my life -- no matter if they had good intentions for me or not. You and others had taught this to me, and I am only now slowly learning how to get over this.

I am hoping that one day I would be able to enjoy not only a loving relationship, but the art of making love for what the cosmic forces created it for: making love without images of you and others conjuring up in my mind while I am in the process. I need to explore my sexuality and I am not guilty if I am gay. I have come to terms with this part of my id.

I am using the term "cosmic forces" here, because I do not believe in God as some perceive Him to be in the religious sense because I have been raised with the hypocrisy of the Catholic Church because of my sexuality. This too was forced upon me by Mom's remarriage. Besides, before man made it one word, it used to be spelled G. O. D., before it became GOD, and then God. My philosophy is, it stands for Good, Orderly and Disciplined and if you have all these qualities within yourself, then you are God. But there is a superior cosmic force higher than man so that we remain good, orderly and disciplined within our mortality.

This is right now. My road of recovery. This letter is part of the process, since you have passed away and I cannot sit in front of you and speak or discuss these issues with you in person.

Through this process, I am learning to deal with my past so that I can live in the present and change my future. If I continue to remain stagnated with my past memories, I will have a relapse. But if I cultivate these experiences that you and others have left me, I can only benefit myself and live a better life with the rest of it that I have left. I have accepted my mortality, since I was given six months to live at the time of my diagnosis, but my cosmic forces have not called for me yet, maybe they want me to internalize all the negative issues of my spirit.

Yes, at the present moment, I am the carrier of two incurable diseases: alcoholism and HIV. And presently I carry psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical scars brought unto me by not only yourself and others, but also by myself. It was through my alcoholism that I stagnated my life and self-abused my temple. Yet, I have survived.

You could have physically killed me when I was a child when you were physically and sexually attacking my body. Because of this past and what statistics have recorded, I could have become a criminal: a paedophile, a child abuser, or a murderer. My male lover could have stabbed me to death that night he raped me and transmitted HIV to me. My HIV could have sent me to the grave sixteen years ago. But I have lived a survivor's life and tried to better myself, even while I was intoxicated and led a life in a stupor.

I want to thank you. I want to thank you and the others for these experiences that you taught me and send you my unconditional love. And only because of your illness, I forgive you. In a way, you have inspired me because it is through internalizing and intellectualizing my past and re-directing my anger to finally feel my sadness that I can and I am able to change my life.

My road to recovery will include a university degree, an avenue of creativity, and even though in the beginning when I started this journey I was afraid, scared and fearful, today I can say that a new Gregg is emerging and even though I didn't like what I saw in the beginning when I first started to sober up, because I had to deal with all this anger and resentment, there is a positive man emerging and I am beginning to fall in love with him.

Today, as my father, I am going to give you my unconditional love as a man who walked upon this earth with an illness, which in reality makes us two of a kind. I, on the other hand, have humbled myself to recognize my faults and actions of my past and am walking away a better man.

I am Phoenix.

Your son,

Dale



Author notes

I have signed this letter with my birth name, Dale.  Please do not address me by that name because I HATE it, too many memories are involved with it, I prefer to be called by my nom de plume , Gregg, which I legally changed when I turned twenty-one.


Written May 17th, 2001

[Dude]

For me to comment clearly and with as much importance as this post deserves would take a while, as it isn't something I can process automatically and at once. But Gregg, you are a courageous man. More courageous than I've witnessed possibly in my entire life. I think, had these events been a part of my own life, I might well have taken door number one, and wouldn't be writing any of the things I've written here through the years. Because I would cease to exist. So, having seen myself as a strong and brave man, able to conquer all life throws at me, I am humbled by your post, and I have nothing of great encouragement for you, but my prayers for a new life, free from the horrors of the past. Never look back again. You just freed yourself. Everything is new after today. Even the chances for new love, and a new freedom of guilt or anger. I pray for your strengths to grow, and for you to find real happiness with the one you will meet and love. You will be new. I pray for your healing, brother, and for blessings to turn life into a thing of joy for you now.

The past is gone. Walk on. Thank God anyway... it turns all my troubles around when I do. Take the days ahead and make them turn for you, and reject the things of days past. Good things are ahead of you. Go there a free man.

God bless.

[gregg rowe]

Hey Dude

Thanks for stopping by and reading my works on living with chronic illnesses.  It is my therapy in helpîng me to get through the days filled with medication, depression, and pain.  Yet I thank my Higher Power for keeping me alive to watch the world change...hell I might see a black president of the US or watch McCain die and see the first woman president.  Such wonderful things to live for.

 

Gregg

PS  And I'm not even American, yet I care...go figure!

[Hank's mom]

Gregg -

It is a very healing thing to write such a letter, even for those with less dramatic heartache and abuse issues. We all carry slights, large and small, that only can become life's lessons when we put those words to paper, basically giving away the mantle of pain to heal and grow again.

I also found my writing and visual art side when going through my travels in Hepland. Sometimes I struggle finding the right words or image, but it's a whole lot better than the struggles of walking without self-expression.

Susie

[gregg rowe]

Gregg -

Sometimes I struggle finding the right words or image, but it's a whole lot better than the struggles of walking without self-expression.

Susie

You touched my heart and my intelligence at the same time with this piece of writing.


These are what I call Poet `Snippets` But of course with some poetry there are rules:  in Snippets the phrase must be 10-, 15-, 30- or 100- word limit.  (See footnote at bottom of message).  I love this Snippet because it is profound for me. 

When I was having my heart operation to enable me to go on Pegasus/Pegatron I wrote a poem a day for a year.  The poetry I have been posting on this website was during this period.  During that year, while I was on a number of medications for HIV, preparing me for the heart operation, depression, anxiety, stress I released these experiences through my writing. 

If my Higher Power had never given me this gift to release the demons that were piling up in my abyss, I do not think that I would be here to relate these experiences to my many audiences on these websites. 

At the time of my heart operation I was already medicated to the gills with the last of the HIV drugs that would be available to me until new ones were discovered and released.  This triple combination was the last.  I had taken every other medication:  single- double-, tripled combination to date.  If these drugs failed (and even today writing this) I have no more triples left to take, so if I develop an immunization to these medications I will have to wait for new treatments.

Couple this with a 50/50 chance of coming out of a heart operation.  And now move on to the next stage that if I recuperated from the heart operation I would then be going on the HepC treatment to eradicate it forever.  This is a lot to think about.  (And if readers remember from previous posts -- I had three years to prepare for the heart operation because of red-tape administrative papers screaming discrimination.) 

I came through it all by writing everyday.  I can't say that everything pîece of writing was perfect, but I managed to record it all.  When I was wheeled into the operating room for my heart operation I was surrounded by close angels -- my two best friends and angels, a compassionate international doctor who is reknowned for his work on enfants with cogninitive heart problems, and a team of nurses, candy-stripers, and even a caretaker.  The night before was beautiful -- I had a window bed at the hospital, a request that took three days, but I finally got it, and I watched the sun set over the St Laurence River and prayed to my Higher Power that I would make it through -- because, selfish as I was in my thinking, I thought, I had been through enough in my life. 

Did I want to die?  No one wants to die?  Yet for twenty-five years I had the time to think about my mortality -- and immortality.

My immortality was achieved through my art.  My mortality was the presence of my body before friends and family.  Which one will survive in the end?

Needless to say, because I am writing this now, I made it through the heart operation and the HepC treatment.  What have I lost?  During the recuperation period of the heart operation, I have not written as prolific as when I was going through the experience. 

I look back at the year of writing that I passionately drove myself into to escape the pain, the side effects, the every day living and felt that I have achieved my best work to date.  I had created a form of poetry, equaled myself almost to have written as many sonnets as Shakespeare (Shakespeare = 121 (does not include the his numerous plays, just his sonnets); Gregg = 98), and enlightened a world on what it really was like to live the life of a chronically ill patient. 

My love of the word died after that.

What I gained: 

I knew that I was stagnated in my writing, I thought that I had expressed all that I could.  My portfolio of writing started with when I was nine years old and writing to escape the demons of being abused.  I continued to use this therapy when I was raped and then diagnosed with HIV.  I used it during my heart operation experience.  I used it while I was drugged on Interferon when I was diagnosed with HepC.  There were no more words to write at this time period.

I switched mediums. 

I took up oil painting.  At first they were paintings of nature scenes:  mountains with vibrant skylines of sunsets in purple/orange/red -- then they became dark -- black-background paintings of trees with red ribbons decorating them in memory of friends and acquaintances lost.  Now I have left that medium and switched to digital photography--and these I keep a strict rule that I will look for the big photo no matter what I see through the lens and have come up with some interesting shots.

Struggling without self-expression is the dark abyss. 

Sometimes we find one way to express ourselves but then it runs its course because we have not matured enough to continue in one medium, so another one comes in.  To be able to tap into the creativity of our mind in order to overcome what we are experiencing is what makes us of the human race.  We can do mind over matter and find avenues in order to continue to survive. 

I am one to attest to this.  I have used my creativity to express what the world is like to have lived in this century like so many artists that have passed before me have done.  I, today, am not as known as some of these other artists but that does not bother me.  It is not fame and money I seek in this world, it is the compassion of sharing and the feeling of empathy towards my fellow mankind.  If it wasn't for my art and self-expression, I would just be someone who just passed on this earth unnoticed.  But I have beeen noticed.  And not only by my fellow humans.

Gregg

Footnote
http://www.webook.com/project/100-Word-Or-Less-Project