What I Dream

[gregg rowe]

Poetry Form:  Crown Italian Gregorian Sonnaiku Sequence

Today I live, tomorrow Iwill die.
Even a monkey needs to feel his place --
I ask what's wrong with our domestic race?
My wonderment is how I have survived!
My life has not been void of tears I cry --
As Aphrodite swam in night time grace,
And Paris joined with golden apple face --
My fingers slowly fondle inner thighs.
 
Québec winter
snowbird casts a shadowed blanket
across my tombstone
 
I've witnessed gun-less war -- in this my era,
So visual silence is my need right now --
For years now -- sleep is what I dream and pray,
As I escape, swim the River Kara:
Mr red ribbon you'll tie in a tree bough --
Existence mine proclaimed this very day.

Existence mine proclaimed this very day
Past life, I pondered – ask existing gods --
Your demonic hot pain through jolted rods
Was payment for my journey -- for my stay?
I sit -- not blinded -- accepting this way
In Youth, I felt like Chist --recieve his flogs
My eyes blanketed by grey sheet fog
My  love for Father -- could not keep at bay

spring river banks
protect Easter lilies
my pregnant mother
 
When reliving abuse days -- blow by blow
Still questions linger on my kinship seed
So here's the tale, a soul raked over coals
Through breaks in time, my forgiveness grows
I crave solitaire -- peace is what I need
To rid these demons, exorcize my soul.

To rid these demons, exorcize my soul --
As music comnforts blackness to my nights;
I search for love -- my Father is not right
It's layman's payment for His Devil's dole:
Biblical verse was writ on Sacred scrolls;
On kin, a sin -- to perform sodomite.
Today, I'm forced to carry this birth rite --
Abyss swallows me down her deep dark hole.
 
January
a pile of frsh black soil
father lies asleep
 
The pain I've lived, is worse than passing stones --
Or going and having a spinal tap.
These tests performed keeps me alive and well,
An illness begins to attack my bones --
It's a wonder I have yet to snap --
My life on earth has ben a living hell.

My life on earth has been a living hell
Well mother's passion love has sung six stings.
Musical voice -- a youthful angel sings --
My life commenced - fusion of their blood cells.
We're prisoners shut in His House to dwell:
I seek to escape on guardian Holy wings,
Bow on my knees ask guidance from my King –
In January -- said final farewell.

a silvery midnight moon
a black cat stalks the asphalt
we cross in mourning colour

Tragic angelic notes that I do hold --
I hear her music notes inside my head:
That speak of beats and rapes, not prideful dreams--
Inside my heart, they have their weight in gold.
Hers nd my life's lessons that we have bled --
In life later her blinded eyes could see.

In life later her blinded eyes could see:
I complete life's cycle from boy to man.
Meet M. Archangel who's taken His stand --
Through Him a message:  G-d's gift for me;
To test my life -- my sexuality
Seals my circle -- I wear His golden band.
Society's armies define my brand --
I sift His sands -- discover I am free!
 
a new year's eve
a rape seed fertilizes
we drown in champagne tears
 
Onion tears cry I -- to gods in the sky
Why was I chosen -- live this wretched life?
Three tests survived I, I'm ready to go;
Abuse, rape, HIV -- I've had my cries
Prevents me seareching, wed a perfect wife
My dream now is to find the perfect beau

My dream now is to find the perfec beau --
Where dancing joins us under summer''s moons
And nights are spent where we design love's spoons --
A quilt my mother she will have to sew.
Before Edgr Allan sends his black crow!
We join an Irish/Scottish ballad tune --
Unite a family, that has been strewn,
And brother's bloodlines continue our flow --
 
silver moon set
upon the black lagoon
lemon sunlight kisses
 
So let us join to sing a dance and jig:
Where son and mother will join hearts as one --
Then we can love life -- and exhale our last breath;
A white dove holds our full genetic twig --
A father sick, a forgot faggot son:
I have no choice, I have to acept death.

I have no choice -- I have to accept accept death:
My love I've spoken in various forms;
No matter life's upheavel blackened storms --
And with my final and this lasting breath:
I slash with sword the grey spirit of Seth --
Her hazel eyes showed her son was not norm;
Because I had felt my mother's womb's warmth:
Before I'm thrown into her winter's storm.

the Nile waters grow
fertilized land sows the seeds
I kneel before my gods
 
Salt blue waters I have cried day to day --
I've danced my notes and slept with male dreams,
Now as you raise me up to the parting skies --
My love for Christ -- I eat, drink, knell and pray:
Remember while I shouted and had screamed --
Today I live, tomorrow I will die!

Gregg Rowe
 
February 08-12, 2005

A Sonnaiku is an Italian Sonnet with a haiku written between the octave (the first eight lines) and the sestet (the remaining six lines.  A Crown Sonnaiku is taking the last line of the first sonnet and starting the sceond sonnet untiil the number of sonnets are written for the tale and then taking the last line of the entire sequence and make it the first line starting the poem.  I am the creator of this form of poetry. 

[Dude]

Listen to me now. You, my friend, have a gift. These things need to be published while there's still time. I assure you, this stuff is solid gold. Use your God given talent, the talent that was gleaned through all your suffering, and apply it to the pen. Or in this case, keyboard.

Very nice flow, very deep suffering, flowing out of you like summer rain. You at least are deeply in touch with yourself, and this is a very good thing. You just need to spend as much time as you are comfortable with, on a daily basis, and tap into that gift. I don't say these things lightly, I recognize this talent, having been into writing, and aced Creative Writing and Technical and other writing classes, this, what you've shown us, is worth publication.

I can't be where you are, because I am where I am, but in the words you write, I step in the place where you are and see so much incredible depth of suffering. I feel so sad to think that such a man, with such an incredible gift, has had his life torn apart from a very early age, and these things became who you are now by the very nature of their malignance. And yet, you stand, and have the courage to pick it apart and make sense of it. You may not understand the bravery others see in you for this, but I find the courage of who I see in you to be astounding. Be strong in the knowledge that by these words you win. A little at a time, the demons must run away, out of your life, and you are piece by piece putting your life in a better order. Please don't give up. I see so much ability in you.

Until we know the real God, we are our own god. Through long suffering we are finally brought to our knees and in a fit of despair, we finally ask Him to come into our lives and lift us out of the pit we've been thrust into. We finally just have to bag it all up and leave it at the foot of the cross, and trust Him with sorting it all out. And then just walk away, knowing it's in good hands. We can't be a god, it won't work, but we can be the king of ourselves, and command certain demons to die away, and open only the windows of heaven and let in the light of the truth of life and heaven, and always seek to bridge that distance from us to God. When you reach for God, He will reach back, but you only have to believe what I tell you for it to be manifested in your life. Practice faith, abandoning all doubt. Faith is believing in something unseen, as if it were true. Being unseen makes it hard for many folks to believe fully in, but God is not seen, but felt. His works are seen. And you are in an excellent place for Him to perform His works. I highly recommend giving it all over to Him, and trusting that He has your best in His heart of hearts. His will is not for the long suffering to go on now, you've suffered long enough. This may be a curse of sorts that has plagued the men in your family line for many generations, so be the one who breaks the curse. I believe it is in you to be the warrior that ends this thing in it's tracks.

I want you to know that there are many folks here who care about you, and want you to feel free to relax and be just the man you are. I'm not talking about the gay thing, I'm talking about the spirit man that lives inside you. We all have our spirit man or woman in us, we just rarely tap into that side of who we are, because we live in a spoiled world of comforts and easy everything, fast foods, and laying around way too much. We've become fat and gluttonous pigs. Break out of the mold and let the bird of your spirit fly. It may just be the freedom you have been seeking.

Take good care, brother, and keep writing.

God bless and comfort you.

[gregg rowe]

Dude:  You have too much in your letter to quote 

I want to thank you for your encouragement on my writings.  I have been struggling to find a publsiher for so long that in frustration I decided to self-publish my writings.  This was of course before lulu.com and Xibris which I have now a contract with to publsih the three chapbooks that I have written.  Now I am so tired from all the medications and treatments I have been through that I have not fulfilled the contracts yet, though I understand they are a lifetime...when I get the energy to finish typing the manuscripts, they will publish them for me.  An investment I thought was smart until I got de-energized and couldn't spend the time on the computer anymore.

The creativeness of the poetry you are reading is finally after I decided that I would enroll in University in Montreal to pursue my dreams in Creative Writing and Literature--a Bachelor of Arts.  I sort of got side-tracked from this when I decided to take two minors to go alongside of my Bachelor and took two minors:  one in Sexuality and one in Film.  So with a diploma from Concordia University it would read:  Major in Creative Writing and English Literature; Interdisciplanary Minor in Films Studies and Interdisciplianry Studies in Sexuality.  A collegue asked me what I would do with that diploma in the Real Education for the Real World (our themne ant university) and I replied:  Write and produce/direct  the best damn literary porno film the world has ever seen.  (Think Finelli)! 

Gregg's Snippet No one can be, or ever be, where anyone else is because then they would not be an individual anymore.  Your experience teaches my experience and my experience teaches yours.

More will be explained as my writings are revealed.

Gregg

(Thanks for the support and encouragement Dude!)

[robin]

Gregg...I bet your mom wanted to pull her hair out when you were a teenager with your great verbal skills. Enjoy your writings. Keep your spirits high...robin

[Dude]

I realize this is a sensitive area of discussion, the subjest of childhood abuse, but I just watched a movie I think everyone should see, particularly you, Gregg. Just for the purpose of understanding that there are truly monsters in this world, which I know you know too well, but I thought it might be good to share this with you because, it may help you to see there are others who also begin as innocent, and are tortured by evil hearted people in charge in this big, dark and mysterious world. This movie was based on a true story. I could imagine another movie based on your own story, that would undoubtedly end with the same sick feeling in my stomach. But you live on. You have been given new chances. Some children never get that much.

The movie is called, "An American Crime", and it's set in the 60's in a southern Baptist town in the good ol' USA. Brought back memories just seeing the fashions and cars, and the lower income family life of these folks. We were poor as dirt, but we got by, and my dad, while he never tossed a ball with me, was my dad, and he never left my mom until he died. He only whipped me twice, but they were some serious ass whippings, with a thin leather belt on my bare ass. He kicked me in the ass a couple of times, too, but that was the extent of it. He was a bit of a self focused man, and didn't give much regard to the rest of us, as long as he was sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. No frills, but that's all we knew, and for me life was cool. Much cooler back then, anyway. Back when Christmas was for kids, and being a kid meant I got a couple of cool toys, eventually graduating to a BB gun and a cool bike, and fishing pole, and stuff boys like. So I can count my blessings... at least my dad never did to me the kinds of things yours was known to do to you. I hope you can forgive me for saying these things, it's not to make you look bad, it's just a reflection of my memories of those days, and so I can be thankful for someone, as it relates to what I almost thought of as a shitty dad (mine). He wasn't. He was just self absorbed, and thought what he did for us was enough.

Go here  http://watch-movies.net/movies/a.html , it's down near the bottom, "An American Crime" (it's number 37 in the list). It has high ratings from viewers. It is a hard film to watch all the way through. I wanted to reach in and execute the evil bitch, but then I would just be giving satan what he wants. This is a huge eye opener for folks who have lead sheltered lives. Makes you want to open them more often, to make certain we keep these people behind bars. If there were an addendum to the 10 Commandments, I would almost think that God would say that it's alright to execute any evil and abusive adult in charge of a child, if that child is subjected to this kind of thing happening. Children are the blessings of our lives. The innocents. This kind of torture is an abomination in the eyes of God. The eleventh commandment should be (IMO), Thou shalt not permit the children to be harmed beyond simple corrective disciplinary measures. But then you'd have to get into all the details about the exceptions being the really nasty, unruly little trouble makers, but even then, there's a limit to everything. It's those limits that need to be clearly defined and strictly upheld. Wickedness improves nothing. This movie is so clearly about an excessively evil,  possessed and violently wicked woman and the damage she conjurs and inflicts against an innocent young girl over a long span of time, and the girl isn't even her own child. Not that that would make it any better or excuse it at all in even the slightest way. It takes strength to watch it. But it was real, and may be real today, right now, for some poor child or children.

Please forgive me if this upsets you. That's not my intention.

God bless the little children, and assign angels to watch over them closely. Every one. They grow up to be us, and some have children of their own one day. God save the innocents.

Please know that I am not suggesting changes to scripture, and I would not add words to them. The Word stands as it is. It has been my foundation and my rock. But I ache physically and deeply when I think of the defenseless lambs in the hands of monsters.