To Magnus - Story removed by poster

[Damon]

Terribly sorry but I was a complete idiot and shouldn't have posted this story. I have edited it out.

Apologies.

[Hank's mom]

Damon -
I like the "stream of consciousness" style you have employed here - so much the unfortunate voice of the hepper. It was also nice to read as you mixed the sad with fun memories, the way it should be.

I too, have found writing to be a sane and sanity keeping art.

I don't know if this is based on an event in your life - my condolences if it is.

Susie/momxfive

[Damon]

Thanks, glad you liked it.

Yes, unfortunately 2008 was a year of old friends dying and partners nearly doing so. It's all true, down to the reoccuring nightmares which really got to be a pain until I kind of came to terms with the fact he was very ill and than they went away. It's the hoping that gets me down. As  soon as I start thinking maybe things will get better, the steady yellowing, swelling and tiredness sends me into panic attacks. It's better for me to accept he will get worse (maybe a lot) before he gets better.

D

[Squeaker1]

Amazing writing, absolutely amazing.  I wish the best to you Damon


Hugs, Sheila

[Dude]

This is the first thread of yours I've read here, Damon. I'm still reading it, over and over in my head. You're good. It will sell. Is Angel alive? I apologize if that was obvious, I was just so hoping he still was. Jane was a rock for you. Boy, this is some deep and sensitive writing. I'm very impressed, brother.

The bird story reminded me of something that happened years ago, when I was 20. I had a short time job as a dog washer in a poodle salon. I made a dollar a dog. One day there was this really nice mutt I was washing, and he really liked me. He was such a friendly boy. When his mom came to pick him up, he was very happy, wagging his puffed up tail and showing off his painted nails. He had the royal treatment and smelled like a cheap whore, and wore a new jewelled collar. When his mom was writing the check at the counter, another customer walked in, and the bell hanging inside the door gave a jingle, at which he leaped for his exit, the leash leaving her hand. He ran straight into the roadway and was run over by a fully loaded dump truck. There was an instant gloom over the salon, and I was elected to go out and scrape him onto a box and bag him for disposal. I've always been a dog lover, so it hit me really hard.

I know death well. Not just dog's. Not that there's any less pain when you lose a dog... particularly a long time companion. I don't fear it anymore, like I once did. What's the use? It's coming for each of us one day, might as well just accept that fact and live sensibly. But letting go of someone you love is different. It leaves us alone and desperately empty-hearted, with a void that seems incapable of ever being filled, and that kind of lonliness scares me more than death itself. Because then we just have the constant memories. We sit in an empty room, filled with silence, and just remember. Then we can never just live... we are killed slowly, with a love that left us involuntarily. And the memories never go away. My heart aches.

I wish you all the best. It's sure to sell, brother.

God bless.

[Damon]

Wow. Thankyou Dude.

Yes, he is still alive and in high spirits usually. He didn't seem too ill when he first had a hemorrhage, although it was quite a bad one. Then he had tx for hep C, and then another huge bleed a few months after he stopped. This one really knocked him out and he took a long time to recover. But recover he did. Then other symptoms of cirrhosis kicked in, one by one and now he is slipping slowly into end stage (we think).

What a sad and odd story about the dog. The combination of his happiness and groomed perfection with his sudden death catches in your chest in a resonant way. I can see it would be a powerful experience. You describe it well too. Have you written much? I wouldn't be surprised.

I do fear death. Mine and Angel's. I'm not ready and I really would like some more good years with him. He isn't a spiritual guy so it will be a while before he starts thinking about his death in a way to help him get over his fear, but if he accepted it as nothing to be feared, I would find it easier too, I suppose. I have to try not to let my fears (and sometimes overwhelming pessimism) affect him, while still being realistic and honest. The only thing we know is that he will get worse before he gets better and when I panic about that, I take a deep breath and try to nudge myself into the role of some tragic hero, faced with a terrible challenge but with the inner resources to cope. Ahh, thanks Hollywood for the sentimental role models you give us to help us with our struggles...

Apparently love is the answer. If you can find it inside, for everything, yourself included, it helps the moments pass. Sometimes I find it, otherwise I have to content myself with deep breaths and a cup of tea... (or something stronger.) Drinking is out for me though. If I get drunk i get weepy and boring and the next day am even lower. Recently I have been fancying a good substance-free dance to shake it all away. I'll keep an eye open for some sexy salsa going down somewhere...

Thanks again. Before, the only people who had read "To Magnus" was the poor kid's Dad, and friends. It is good to know that people who are/have been affected by liver desease find it resonates too.

I am so sorry for your loss. If your loved one managed to find some peace before going, that would be consolation. After all, a full life of joy and terror is all we can hope for, and we are all immortal in that the effect we had on the world ripples out from us and nothing is ever the same after you leave a room...

Damon

[Dude]

Yes, over the years I've developed a writing addiction, but have rarely put together anything I felt was complete enough to publish. I've always been my own worst critic, so maybe that's why nothing really gets off the ground.

For as long as I can remember, there's always been a strong interest in things of a spirit nature. In me, that is. I never tacked it down to one single line of thinking, but just since 1996 I started making efforts at following a spiritual line of beliefs, so I could really try to get a strong foundation that would give me a place to stand, so I could then build upward rather than outward in my spirit thinking. I don't completely follow the Christian directive by itself, but rather add to it in terms of what other elements I can comprehend as plausible and/or possible, when compared to all the BS we're fed by the masses. I want a wholesome palette of spiritual building blocks, something that puts the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that makes better sense to me. So I do read scripture, and adehere to it as closely as I can without going crazy and ultimately causing others to run from it (and from me because of it), and I do try hard to refrain from being judgemental toward my fellow man or woman, because I feel that's not my purpose in life, nor do I have any right looking down at anyone. I lose touch with that now and again, but for the most part, I try to keep on track with it.

Aside from my Christian beliefs (self taught, as well as through my Christian brothers), I also have many additional beliefs that cause issues for the strict Christian thinking brothers and sisters out there. One of those things I believe is that we live a life of a given number of years, and then we pass on. That number is only known to God, and until we accept that, we go along in fear of when the number is up. Unless we can think, comprehend and apply the following. We live several  lives, in sequence, until finally, at a point in our spiritual evolution, we make it to the top, or are cast into the fire (because we failed through our deeply wicked choices). It's kind of like this universal garden, and the weeds are ultimately pulled and tossed out. I see it as a series of lessons and second chances. If we fail to reach the point of graduation, we start all over again. We are students of a spirit life in a very imperfect, physical, human world. Graduation elevates us to heaven. But all of us fail before we graduate. So all of us go through several life spans before we finally buckle down and learn the lessons and apply them to our way of living within the "family" of man, well enough to get a passing grade. However, there are bad spirits, and they always follow a negative pattern, and ultimately wind up in the dump, or lake of fire as it is referred to in scripture. God created man, the world, and the universe, and He gives us many chances. He's quite a nice God, extremely loving, and very forgiving. That's why they refer to Him as the Father, and His patience with us is given to us as an example for fathers of the world, so their children will be raised with a greater love and an endless patience, always ready to forgive and give another chance... and another, and another. Many graduate. Many are thrown into the smelting pot.

If I follow that line of beliefs, it makes it a lot easier for me where death is concerned. I can accept that when I go, I'll either start over, or graduate and make it into the Kingdom of Heaven, a place I aim to reach some day. But I refuse to give the negative thoughts and emotions enough time to fester in me. Sometimes I walk a very thin line in that though, and am overcome by a surge of wicked thoughts and violently aggressive desires aimed at someone who does me wrong. There is a strong allure in beating the shite out of a person who hurts you in a deep way. But I somehow rebuke that spirit of rage, usually by merely adjusting my perspective, and only in the past few years have developed a management of it that works. Kill them with kindness instead. It totally unsettles them, it diffuses the issue that started the problem, and I walk away feeling victorious. The hardest thing for me so far is to turn the other cheek when struck. That, and real forgiveness. But I'm wandering away from what I started writing about. Death is only the end of this life. More will come... more life, more death, until one life in this chaotic world will bring us to fruition. The day we graduate. That is a system of beliefs I can sink my teeth into. It gives me a real, meaningful goal. It also negates prejudices and a spirit of judgement of others, and enhances the brotherhood of man. And finally, it deflates the fear of dying. Although, it seems I am never going to feel fully ready to die, yet there have been times when I was certain that I was. For now, I love life, even though I am at a low place in it, I have a son and a grandson now, so life has truly given back to me some of the good rewards. God has blessed me all the way through as I continued to seek the answers, and to cast away the negatives, embracing only those positive elements, and appreciating the lessons. So, with a heart filled with thanks, I live with the knowledge of God's love for me, and I pursue the goal of heaven. Even as I sit here in horrific pain and gastric distress, I accept it all as the outcome of who I have been, the calamity of life and how physical situations developed along the way, both good and bad, both joy-filled and chronically depressed, and the choices that brought me to where I now am. It feels okay now. Painful as hell, but okay. I sense my end is always near, but I've asked Him for several extensions, and I believe He gave me them every time. When I adhere to the goodness of love, on a spiritual scale, He is very gentle to me, and treats me with the good love I need to carry on. Now I seek to do whatever He guides me to do. Because the fear of death is no longer a problem.

Give me a chance and I will write your eyes off. At least while I'm still able.

God bless you, brother, and keep you strong against the riptide of the world. Don't stop writing. That talent is a gift, and it can carry you far.

[Dude]

I always felt a man has to believe in something, some orb of mysterious, unseen energy, to be one with the universal rhythm. To truly live at a higher spiritual altitude. To gain wisdom. To fit into the puzzle of life. I chose elements of my beliefs along the way, through trial and error, through thorough contemplation, and a sense of knowing that not everything is logical, particularly things of an ethereal nature. I finally understood that only worldly things require a logical mind to function.

I collected bits of what I consider to be the cosmic puzzle. I embrace them, not fully knowing first hand, or up close and personal on a human, or physical level, whether or not I have it just right. But in the now I have to just trust in them, because as they begin to come together, they just seem to find a way to fit, and in doing so, they bring me deeper vision and a comfort that reduces fears of the unknown, and they bring me feelings of hope and depth on a cosmic scale. I feel I have to explore these things. It's my olde sense of adventure playing out in the spirit. My mind simply follows, just to see what comes of it. Now that's logical thinking, that when my old, beat up body slowed down, my mind had no choice but to pick up the slack. I had to dig. I went into a construction mode.

In the end each of us will finally discover whether or not we had it right. I choose to accumulate several elements in the whole, because I reckon some will be right and some will have just been my vivid imagination. But even if one of them is right on, then I think I will have no regrets, and will just chalk up the mistakes as meaningless wastes of time and effort, and will no longer consider them useful.

 I had to begin by laying a foundation I could work from, and Jesus came into place as the perfect bedrock, because of the structure and stability it gave me by standing on Him. By relying on Him, everything else became easier to connect to, and easier to use in assembling the puzzle, and in seeing the bigger picture. So He will always be the foundation of all the parts I can see to fill the voids. He's the backdrop, everything else is frilly and less important for me. He becomes the absolute center. But He gave me something to build on. He gave me a gyroscopic balance.

I just felt impelled to dig that out. Hope you don't mind. Not that it really matter's whether anyone actually minds, but I'm just trying to be polite. I hope that brought a chuckle.

Have smiles today. It may be raining, but the sun shines on.

[robin]

You may find, with it posted here that it could end up on the internet. I posted a letter to my donor family and the link is now in Google as well as several other things I have posted in forums such as this. Just a little FYI since you are hoping to sell this.

To give you an idea of how things are copied to Google...hit the search and put in Keep your spirits high...robin. You will find several posts to online forums from both the US and UK I have posted in. You can do the same on ThanksgivingLiver which will pick different things, especially hepatitis oriented postings. Keep your spirits high...robin

[Damon]

Robin you just put your finger on something that occured to me about an hour ago and i have been mildy annoyed at my own stupidity since then. No publisher on earth will accept this is if it is up on the web. So I now have to decide what to do. (I think there is a little slip in your last post, though with the google stuff.)

I could write to the magazines to which I have subbed the story and ask for it to be withdrawn. But if I want people to see it, more would read it in a magazine than here. But here the response has been great and it is obvious that the story touches people where, perhaps it is needed.

So, I could edit the story thread, withdraw it from this site, and apologise. Anyone who happened to want to read it, I would send it as a pm or something.

Or it could be moved to a members only thread where only people who are password protected could read it, and as far as I know there aren't any appropriate threads on this forum...

So I have a dilemma. I am thinking what to do but will have to decide pretty soon.

Thanks to all who read and commented. I am very pleased it reaches people.

And Dude, your words are so considered and deep. I have no real faith to hold to. I like the fact you created your own beliefs - it is the problem I have always had with organised religeon. I think our personal truths are almost always unique. I will think more on what you have given.

D

[robin]

Hi...not sure what you mean by a slip on the google post. I was just telling you what happened to me. Most things I don't mind finding links on google but until a member here pointed out to me when I posted a letter to my donor family, nothing is secure. So, I hit the search words Keep your spirits high...robin and I think I also did letter to my donor family and found several postings I had made, including the letter to my donor family. For sure, I am no one with anything of interest in their life that would make anything I post be of interest to anyone.
I'm not the only one as the person that pointed out the letter thing to me also had her name posted based on a donation to a different forum than this one.
I apologize if you think I was mis-stating anything. That was not my intent. Best wishes to you and I hope you make a great sale.
Keep your spirits high...robin

[Dude]

It's only because I've felt so singular in life, all the way through, that I felt I needed safe anchorage. I'm completely comfortable going through life solo, at least the best of who I am is there, above it all, in a safe place, feeling almost invincible, in a way. It's the steel I see in myself. I think it must have something to do with my Basque side. Anyway, it's been a helpful stability, and has pulled me back from the lowest pits, so far. But it, by itself, is not quite enough.

All along I had this strong feeling that there was a God. Even when I stood on a rainy beach and shook my fist at the sky and cursed the unknown god, before I ever really connected with Him, I felt horrible for doing it. Because I really could sense His presence, though I was nowhere near as far along as I have grown to be now. This is all according to my beliefs, so forgive me if it comes across as pompous or puffy. That's not the intent. I'm kind of stuck in this place now, where I've  been shown enough that I commited myself to this set of beliefs, so to say anything to the contrary would be wrong, and blasphemous. That's why I just blurt it out. Just thinking and writing what comes to the front. I can't be bothered by what balkers may think, or if what I believe in is offensive to anyone. I see it all as peace driven, loving and compassionate, and I feel comfort in the knowledge that there's absolutely nothing harmful in it, to anyone. If any negativity or hurt comes from it, that isn't really from what I say, that's a spirit of wickedness that lives in that person's heart. They'll insult and ridicule me, but the intention is to cause suffering for me, and I just let that roll off my back. I'm Teflon(TM) coated when it comes from satan's attacks. Yeah, I know, now we're talking about satan. But truly, I say if you believe in One, you just automatically believe there is the other. And sadly, there is.

I lost where I was going with all this. Good weed. My apologies for just leaving it here.

[Damon]

Hi robin,

Sorry about that, I didn't understand the previoust post. I thought you had accidentally said "keep your spirits high" twice! I checked out your suggestion and yes, I see what you mean... Oh dear. Thanks again for pointing it out.

Keep them thoughts rolling out, Dude. I don't believe in either God or Satan, but it is always interesting to read other peoples thought out truths...

D

[beingbecky]

I loved your poem and your style of writing is wonderful. Glad that you have joined are little cyber family.

Becky 

[Dude]

Thanks, Damon, and I wish you the best of health. Angel, too. I insist you continue writing and sharing, there's a talent in your style. Written from the heart.

Best of luck.